Sic Itur Ad Astra

Tears

2007-02-11T19:57:00.000-08:00

Dear God,
I've cried today more than once, but why at the times I did?
It's been this way since Grandpa's funeral. Remember that? I couldn't cry, only then the Preacher talked about heaven and how Grandpa was a faithful servant of Yours and how You would take care of him, and then I cried, not before. What sense does that make, huh?
And today. A prayer of thanksgiving, a simple analysis of praise, nothing other than how wonderful You are to us and what You give us, and I break down to cry. I go home and listen to a song about how You turns our parched and broken lives into streams of living water, and I cry again. What is it about the joy and confidence in You, why is it that when I become certain that You really are there, that I break down completely? Why does my grief pour forth in this visible way right at the moment that I know who You are?
Maybe it's because I know that I don't have to be strong -- that it's okay to show weakness, because at that moment I have finally accepted that my God is my Shelter and my Salvation... that the Spirit comforts me and becomes what I need.
Maybe I only allow myself to cry when I know there's someone to hear it, someone strong enough to help, someone who cares.
Faith and grief seem to go hand in hand on the Christian walk.
May faith and joy one day be linked as thoroughly as this.
Save me God, for I am broken.

What now?

2006-11-20T09:19:00.000-08:00

I don't have a job offer yet. I don't know where I'm going to be this time next year.
I was always told this would be the easy part, that the path I chose to pursue would make career options simple and numerous. It has not been so for me.
I'm terrified. But I realize it's not exactly for the obvious reason. I'm terrified not that I won't find a job -- that's okay if it's what's supposed to be in store for me. I'm terrified that if I don't find a job, it will be because I didn't work hard enough. I'm worried that it'll be my fault, and not just Providence, and that therefore it speaks deeply to my worth as a person, to the quality of my character or the extent of my perseverence.
I don't want to be stuck in a bad position because I'm lazy or careless. That's what scares me.

Separate

2006-11-18T19:19:00.000-08:00

Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever? And what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For you are the temple of the living God.

... This is going to be hard.

Fears

2006-11-15T00:01:00.000-08:00

I need to learn to be a little bit less selfish in my reading of emotions. This evening, I was so focused on my own immature fears that I ignored the much more real concerns of a new acquaintance.
Hopefully I'll have plenty of opportunity to grow.
Fear is useful in that it makes us cautous, but a stumbling block when it brings us the sorrow not only from what will happen but also from what might happen.
May the Master of my mind aid me in focusing on the Now, and not concerning myself overmuch with the Might Be.

Poem or Prayer? I don't know.

2006-11-13T14:01:00.000-08:00

The cold does not penetrate here.
But the weather does, a looming entity of blue-grey, somnolently caressing the earth from the pulpable ubiquity of sky.
It provokes sleep, but also calm.
It asks me for peace, it evokes maturity, it stimulates contentment.
He restoreth my soul.
Thank God for the weather, a tool in His hands that we have yet to wrest from His control.
Thank Yahweh for my life, and may I show the courage and adulthood to leave this also in his hands, when wresting seems more tempting than the resting He desires of me.
The Father gives me what I need, whether or not I can see it.
May my hunger, my helplessness, my paucity of spirit, yield spiritual drive.
May I bear fruit.
May I always love.

Forming logistical stasis

2006-11-13T09:24:00.000-08:00

The way I'm currently carrying out life-processes isn't keeping me stable or happy. I need to find some way to modify the logistical framework I'm operating in until these preconditions can be met.
Of course, it's possible that the problem is that specific negative events are just occurring with unusual regularity, and I'm not coping sufficiently. It's also possible that I just can't thrive in the greater framework I'm currently in. Whichever of these is true, or perhaps neither, the point is I need to find some way to make a constructive change.
We'll see what I can come up with.

Metaphysics can be energy-draining

2006-10-26T13:26:00.000-07:00

*sigh* Delivered a message today, which reminded me just how much energy it takes for me when I get sucked into this whole world of magic and mayhem and false diety, no matter how briefly.
I hope I'm a help and some protection for these people who have chosen to dabble, but I also hope I myself won't get sucked in.
A good friend reminded me that confrontation of Evil always involves temptation, and that running is sometimes a strategic retreat to a new battlefield.
I wish I didn't have a habit of holding the line even when I'm not in a good position.
I also wish I knew when to cut and run.

The need to be needed

2006-10-23T12:57:00.000-07:00

I have an abiding need to be needed by other people; to feel appreciated and wanted. That need is currently going unmet, which has actually started to creep into my core happiness.
I'm not really sure how to fix it, though.

Haiku time: Self-image and lonliness

2006-10-23T01:07:00.000-07:00

An unbowing tree
May grow tallest, or may be
Crooked -- it can't tell.

Sonnet time: "My mortal ignorance"

2006-10-17T13:05:00.000-07:00

I cannot know when those that I befriend
Will need to take their leave of me and mine,
Nor when a loved one dear will meet his end,
Then forth to ground and God his soul entwine.
I cannot understand the fickle ways
Of men who aim to undermine true things,
Or why they then seek malice all their days
And welcome the calamity this brings.
I cannot fully grasp the beauteous night,
My limited and sordid mind still balks
Confronted by the dawn, orange and bright,
Or faced with the sweet forest on my walks.
Of beauty, nature, anger, malice, pain,
Still nothing do I know. Please, God, explain?

Haiku time: "Were I not"

2006-10-15T23:11:00.000-07:00

I look out, not up.
What I see should be more grey.
Clouds know how to weep.

I have returned...

2006-10-15T00:21:00.000-07:00

... and my time in the Mistake must lock itself into full force. I have lots of work to do, people to help, contributions to make, and a niche to carve. I have little time to waste.
A little forethought might have meant my evening would have been spent with the Choir instead of the way it was spent, but God still made good of my decision to relish a little time with a friend plus some sleep. Still, we need to make good decisions, because then we get the good God intended rather than contingency good.
A letter from my Church family in the area; I have been absent some Sundays and that is certainly a cause for concern. They are a caring bunch, if sometimes misguided. There are many things I could learn from them were I more ready to listen.
May the Master of my time and destiny choose to give me reason and opportunity to be a blessing to others.
And now I sleep.

Quite a day

2006-10-10T19:44:00.000-07:00

Between an inordinately short amount of sleep and a constant stream of contraints and demands on my time, the day just kept getting worse. I'd gotten to the point where I was no longer certain I would even be able to make the plane on time.
I bit into some unhealthy fast food that I was able to get hold of while waiting to pick up a prescription. I said a short glyphic prayer to God, the kind made up more of images and ideas than actual words, but the prayer expressed my present disgust -- a reflection of how bad the day had been.
Another phone call, evoking additional weariness as it resonated with all the calls that had set me to each time draining task that day. But when I answered the phone, it was a message from the airline explaining that my plane was delayed 50 minutes.
A little under an hour. Just the time I needed.
And Mom called and replaced me waiting to pick up the prescription, and I was able to go home and finish what needed be done for tomorrow and get packed and there in plenty of time. Looking back at the day, nothing went wrong. It wasn't an easy day, or completely smooth, but everything worked. I always had exactly what I needed, and was in a good position to help others in the ways they needed as well.
Why did I worry? Didn't I know Who was looking out for me? Didn't I realize He would make everything work if I trusted Him and put things in His hands? Shouldn't I know by now that I don't work for me?
The whole day was a beautiful one, but only after I realized Who was in charge of it did I see it. There was a deep red moon risen over the Mall as we landed in Washington; the weather was perfect; and right now I'm relaxing in the sort of hotel room in which I would not be embarrassed to take a honeymoon.
There are harder days and there are easier days. God gives me trials and He gives me rest.
But not until today did I understand that it often takes faith and love to recognize a good day when you're given it.

Home again

2006-10-08T00:17:00.000-07:00

God has decided to bless me this semester with many opportunities to leave the Mistake, but He does so at a cost -- for He has begun to truly bless me in the Mistake itself, and the timing of my most recent departure coincides with the first congregations of the Choir and their work. This is unfortunate but necessary. If I'm going to be able to return Home when my sentence in the Mistake is finished, I must find gainful employ.
I was called tonight by one of my newer friends and invited to join in a fun evening activity, and had to remind her that I was quite far away. I do hope I keep receiving invitations despite having had to reject a number of earlier ones.
My prayers continue to grow to contain the newest additions to my heart. And, most rapturous, these people actually seem to appreciate that.

A list just for me...

2006-09-27T08:18:00.000-07:00

... although maybe someone else will get something out of it too. You never know.
1) Find people who can use you, and let them.
2) Stop worrying about what you want, and focus on what He wants for you.
3) Don't sweat the small stuff.
4) Realize that it's all small stuff.
5) There is no time that's bad for prayer.
6) There is no one that can't use a prayer.
7) Never be afraid to ask people for what you need.
8) Never be afraid to receive what God gives you through others.
9) Never forget who you are.
10) Never forget Whose you are.
... I pray I can live up to the niche I'm trying to carve, and I pray that God will help me be the person that I'm needed as. I'm sure He will, if it's what's best.

Priorities

2006-09-17T03:05:00.000-07:00

1) Purity
2) Health
3) Academics
4) Career
5) Order

... we'll see how this goes...

Current understanding: We are worse when we spend our time and value with worse people.

Query: Is this going to change how I raise my kids? I've always disagreed with any restrictions my parents tried to put on who we could be friends with. I always felt that I had a responsibility to stay open to befriending anyone. But I see now that looking out for one's own health may very well mean disassociating from bad people, and if I care about my kids, I may have to limit their relationships too. I'm still not sure how comfortable I am with that, though. We'll see.

Exegesis on Human Value Residing Specifically in Free Will

2006-04-03T02:40:00.000-07:00

To be completed when time presents itself.

Strength in Tribulations

2006-03-01T00:27:00.000-08:00

Romans 8

Free from Indwelling Sin

1 There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus,^[a] who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. 2 For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death. 3 For what the law could not do in that it was weak through the flesh, God did by sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, on account of sin: He condemned sin in the flesh, 4 that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. 5 For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. 6 For to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace. 7 Because the carnal mind is enmity against God; for it is not subject to the law of God, nor indeed can be. 8 So then, those who are in the flesh cannot please God.
9 But you are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God dwells in you. Now if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he is not His. 10 And if Christ is in you, the body is dead because of sin, but the Spirit is life because of righteousness. 11 But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you.

Sonship Through the Spirit

12 Therefore, brethren, we are debtors—not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh. 13 For if you live according to the flesh you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. 14 For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. 15 For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.” 16 The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, 17 and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together.

From Suffering to Glory

18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. 19 For the earnest expectation of the creation eagerly waits for the revealing of the sons of God. 20 For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it in hope; 21 because the creation itself also will be delivered from the bondage of corruption into the glorious liberty of the children of God. 22 For we know that the whole creation groans and labors with birth pangs together until now. 23 Not only that, but we also who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, eagerly waiting for the adoption, the redemption of our body. 24 For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? 25 But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance.
26 Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us^[b] with groanings which cannot be uttered. 27 Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God.
28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. 29 For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. 30 Moreover whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified.

God’s Everlasting Love

31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? 33 Who shall bring a charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. 34 Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? 36 As it is written:

“ For Your sake we are killed all day long;
We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.”^[c]

37 Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. 38 For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, 39 nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

2006-02-28T13:32:00.000-08:00

Here it is. We'll see what it does.