Tears

Dear God,
I've cried today more than once, but why at the times I did?
It's been this way since Grandpa's funeral. Remember that? I couldn't cry, only then the Preacher talked about heaven and how Grandpa was a faithful servant of Yours and how You would take care of him, and then I cried, not before. What sense does that make, huh?
And today. A prayer of thanksgiving, a simple analysis of praise, nothing other than how wonderful You are to us and what You give us, and I break down to cry. I go home and listen to a song about how You turns our parched and broken lives into streams of living water, and I cry again. What is it about the joy and confidence in You, why is it that when I become certain that You really are there, that I break down completely? Why does my grief pour forth in this visible way right at the moment that I know who You are?
Maybe it's because I know that I don't have to be strong -- that it's okay to show weakness, because at that moment I have finally accepted that my God is my Shelter and my Salvation... that the Spirit comforts me and becomes what I need.
Maybe I only allow myself to cry when I know there's someone to hear it, someone strong enough to help, someone who cares.
Faith and grief seem to go hand in hand on the Christian walk.
May faith and joy one day be linked as thoroughly as this.
Save me God, for I am broken.

What now?

I don't have a job offer yet. I don't know where I'm going to be this time next year.
I was always told this would be the easy part, that the path I chose to pursue would make career options simple and numerous. It has not been so for me.
I'm terrified. But I realize it's not exactly for the obvious reason. I'm terrified not that I won't find a job -- that's okay if it's what's supposed to be in store for me. I'm terrified that if I don't find a job, it will be because I didn't work hard enough. I'm worried that it'll be my fault, and not just Providence, and that therefore it speaks deeply to my worth as a person, to the quality of my character or the extent of my perseverence.
I don't want to be stuck in a bad position because I'm lazy or careless. That's what scares me.

Separate

Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever? And what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For you are the temple of the living God.

... This is going to be hard.

Fears

I need to learn to be a little bit less selfish in my reading of emotions. This evening, I was so focused on my own immature fears that I ignored the much more real concerns of a new acquaintance.
Hopefully I'll have plenty of opportunity to grow.
Fear is useful in that it makes us cautous, but a stumbling block when it brings us the sorrow not only from what will happen but also from what might happen.
May the Master of my mind aid me in focusing on the Now, and not concerning myself overmuch with the Might Be.

Poem or Prayer? I don't know.

The cold does not penetrate here.
But the weather does, a looming entity of blue-grey, somnolently caressing the earth from the pulpable ubiquity of sky.
It provokes sleep, but also calm.
It asks me for peace, it evokes maturity, it stimulates contentment.
He restoreth my soul.
Thank God for the weather, a tool in His hands that we have yet to wrest from His control.
Thank Yahweh for my life, and may I show the courage and adulthood to leave this also in his hands, when wresting seems more tempting than the resting He desires of me.
The Father gives me what I need, whether or not I can see it.
May my hunger, my helplessness, my paucity of spirit, yield spiritual drive.
May I bear fruit.
May I always love.

Forming logistical stasis

The way I'm currently carrying out life-processes isn't keeping me stable or happy. I need to find some way to modify the logistical framework I'm operating in until these preconditions can be met.
Of course, it's possible that the problem is that specific negative events are just occurring with unusual regularity, and I'm not coping sufficiently. It's also possible that I just can't thrive in the greater framework I'm currently in. Whichever of these is true, or perhaps neither, the point is I need to find some way to make a constructive change.
We'll see what I can come up with.

Metaphysics can be energy-draining

*sigh* Delivered a message today, which reminded me just how much energy it takes for me when I get sucked into this whole world of magic and mayhem and false diety, no matter how briefly.
I hope I'm a help and some protection for these people who have chosen to dabble, but I also hope I myself won't get sucked in.
A good friend reminded me that confrontation of Evil always involves temptation, and that running is sometimes a strategic retreat to a new battlefield.
I wish I didn't have a habit of holding the line even when I'm not in a good position.
I also wish I knew when to cut and run.

The need to be needed

I have an abiding need to be needed by other people; to feel appreciated and wanted. That need is currently going unmet, which has actually started to creep into my core happiness.
I'm not really sure how to fix it, though.

Haiku time: Self-image and lonliness

An unbowing tree
May grow tallest, or may be
Crooked -- it can't tell.